Clinic Cases
by katie mase
Summary: A series of one shots, drabbles, and now poetry about House and the clinic patients that drive him crazy. Can be read in any order. New Chapter: Water Weight.
1. Interesting

**Clinic Cases**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything House related, just the clinic patients I make up.**

_A/N: So this idea just sort of came to me one day. Just a quick drabble I hope some of you find enjoyable. One shot coming up pretty soon. Review! _

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**Interesting**

Doctor House once again found himself in clinic duty. _"Why am I here again?"_ he thought, _"I'm pretty sure I was suppose to ignore Cuddy today. God what is this idiot going on about?"_

"My head, that hurts too." The clinic patient whined, "And my nose, I have this…"

"_What the hell makes him think I want to hear about anything pertaining to his nose?" _House began to count the ceiling tiles, ignoring the patient inane symptoms. _"Well last time I counted there were 43, but it's always good to double check."_

"Doctor House, are you even listening to me?" The patient asked with obvious hints of anger.

"Hmm?" House asked exaggerating the word into many syllables. He rested his chin on his cane, "Lets recap shall we? Your head hurts, your nose is red and runny, you ache all over and, you're tired all the time."

"Yes."

He stood up, "Interesting. Really it's so unusual; I don't believe I've seen anything like it!" He walked out, and shut the door.


	2. Only You

**Disclaimer: I still don't own House or anything related to it.**

_A/N: This is more of a House-Wilson story. But my friend wanted me to write it so, this is for her. It takes place when House and Wilson roomed together, can't quite remember when that was. Hm, anyway read on!_

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**Only You**

Doctor House walked into clinic room number one to find a mother and her small child waiting patiently for him. House however took his time getting there because he knew if this was a real emergency, they would have left by now. He had hoped it had been an emergency.

"So what appears to be the problem?" He asked rhetorically. He could easily tell the kid had chicken pox.

"Well he has a fever, and red rashes. I'm sure he has the chicken pox." She answered

"If you were so sure he had the chicken pox, why'd you come here?"

The women looked appalled and slightly disgusted with his behavior, "I came so you could treat him."

Suddenly Wilson walked in, "Do you think this is funny?"

Slowly House turned around and made all attempts at keeping a straight face. Wilson's light green collar shirt and tan dress pants had been stained a darker shade from the middle of his chest the ends of his pants. "Can't you see I'm with a patient who is not only seriously ill, but a young child? Have you no respect?"

"You know all I wanted to do this morning was have a simple breakfast and my coffee. But you couldn't let me have that, oh no. You wanted to have a laugh at my expense." Wilson said motioning to his shirt and pants. "Do you know how many looks I recieved, just this morning? And of course I can't change because you forgot to pick up the dry cleaning."

House had an exaggerating look of shock on his face. "I am appalled! What makes you think I would do this?"

"Maybe because you are the only one who knows where my cups are. You are the only one who is sadistic enough to want me to spill scalding coffee on myself while on my way here. Only you!"

House turned back to the boy who quickly pulled his hand away from his skin. "See, this is what happens when grown ups don't get their coffee."

Unable to say any more, Wilson slammed the door behind him muttering a few choice words. House continued to examine the boy's skin. "Just get him some benadryl and he'll be fine."


	3. The Boss

**Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own anything. I wish I did though. **

_A/N: This was inspired by the 10/30 episode. Theres an awful lot of dialogue, but I hope you find this amusing none the less. _

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**The Boss**

"Ow, my God have you ever done this before? Or are you like that intern on Grey's Anatomy? You know the old guy." An overly irritated teenage patient remarked.

"I'm so sorry Doctor House; she only gets like this when-" Her mother began to explain.

"Mom!"

"Yeah, yeah I get it." House replied to the teenager's mother through gritted teeth. "You needed stitches _this_ week?"

"Hey it's not like I could pick and choose. And like I wanted to cut myself." Remarked the girl.

Before House could reply with his own snide remark, Doctor Cuddy entered the exam room. House groaned and rolled his eyes.

"House, could I borrow you for a moment." Cuddy demanded more than asked.

"With a patient, go away." House replied.

"House," Cuddy said more assertively, "I need to talk to you _now_."

"I'm sure you do, but as you can plainly see, I am here stitching up this innocent child, this gift from above." House turned his head toward the ceiling, raising his hands in front of him

"House!"

"Why don't you tell her to shut up?" The girl asked

Both House and Cuddy remained speechless. They started at the girl, then back at each other.

"Excuse me?" Cuddy asked.

"Melissa!" The mother hissed.

"Why don't you tell her to shut up?" The girl asked House, "Aren't you her boss?"

An amused grin crossed House's face, while an annoyed look graced Cuddy. Deciding she had enough, or otherwise had nothing to say, Cuddy left the room nearly slamming the door behind her. Pleased with the situation House went back to stitching the girl.


	4. Things I'd Rather Do

_A/N: Just another random idea that popped into my head. Enjoy! _

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**Things I'd Rather Do**

Ten Things I'd Rather Do Than Treat Clinic Patients

By Doctor Greg House

1. Eat a sandwich courtesy of Wilson. More delightful and satisfying then treating a clinic patient with a bad case of poison ivy.

2. Trip Nurse Brenda with my cane. She's a bitch. End of story.

3. Watch the O.C. Because it makes me happy.

4. Play my PSP.

5. Rock out on my cool flying V.

6. Make Cuddy look bad. There are so many ways, I would never get bored.

7. Discover why Chase's hair never falls out of place. It's a medical mystery.

8. Play practical jokes on Wilson. There's this one involving one of his cancer patients I've been meaning to try.

9. Watch a Spanish soap opera. They're more coherent then clinic patients.

10. Lastly, I would rather hit myself over the head with my cane until I become unconscious then treat clinic patients.

"House!" Cuddy calls.

House merely looks up at her with an innocent face.

"Why aren't you in the clinic?" She asks.

He looks down at his paper then came up with another idea. He scribbles out the original title and writes:

11 Things I'd Rather Do Then Treat Clinic Patients.

11. I would rather make this list 100 times over then treat the next patient who thinks they have a STD.


	5. Here Comes the Bride

**Disclaimer: Once again just so everyone is aware, I own nothing. **

_A/N: So I borrowed this idea from Greys Anatomy, just House-afied it. Yes that is my new word haha. Anway I hope you guys find it enjoyable enough to make your bad days good, or your good days better. _

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**Here Comes the Bride**

The screaming could be heard through out the clinic. Piercing calls of agony erupted from room number one. If anybody had just walked passed it, they would have thought a little girl was getting her flu shot. However if you were inside the room, you would have wished it was just a little girl getting her flu shot.

House watched with a bored expression as two young women fought over what remained to be a wedding dress. Apparently the owner had this brilliant idea to boost business. Whoever could hold onto the dress the longest, would not only win a free dress, but the company would pay for all the catering and decorations. They did not however count on the stamina, or the malicious rage these women had.

"You bitchlet go!" one of the women screamed

"No way! You'll have to pull my other arm out in order to get this dress!" the other shot back.

"That can be arranged!"

The two continued to pull at each others limbs and hair. House had already made a somewhat valiant attempt at breaking the fight up. But he found himself enjoying the action. He walked over to the door and opened it. A random janitor had been standing outside the room with a dumbstruck expression.

"Chick fight inside." House explained

The janitor now looked over excited and walked towards the room.

"Ah, ah, ten bucks." House said holding out his hand

Suddenly Wilson was walking down the hall when House called to him, "Hey Wilson! Chick fight over here!"

Wilson rushed over, not with a look of happiness, but with a look of concern. He pushed his way past House and instantly the concern vanished from his face.

"Sorry, no more room." House said to the disappointed janitor.

"When did this start?" Wilson asked

"Oh, about ten minutes ago." House replied

"And you didn't call me over sooner? Oh nice right hook from the redhead."

Finally Wilson's morals caught up with him and he did his best to pull the two apart. "You both need surgery," he explained, "There's no way we can just pop your arms back into your socket."

"I am not letting go of this dress!" The women replied simultaneously.

Soon Cuddy came in and gave the both of them the look of death. She tried to split the two up, but every attempt failed. That was, until she had a brilliant idea.

Two orderlies came from the room wheeling the girls into the OR. House and Wilson followed each holding part of the dress. Cameron, Chase and Foreman walked by and couldn't pass this opportunity up.

"Aw, aren't they cute?" Cameron remarked smiling.

"Is Wilson the bride? I mean this way House doesn't have to do all that walking." Chase said nearly laughing.

"I hope you two are very happy together." Foreman said.

The three walked away laughing leaving Wilson and House clearly not amused.

"Want to go steal Chase's shampoo, hide Cameron's coffee cups and tell everyone Foreman is apart of a violent gang?" House suggested

"Yeah sounds good."


	6. Dear Clinic Patient

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did Stephen Fry would have guest starred by now. **

_A/N: Okay not really my best work, just this random idea I came up with. Anyway enjoy!_

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**Dear Clinic Patient**

"Doctor House will be right with you." The nurse said to the sickly patient.

He nodded and walked toward the bed where he found a piece of paper addressed to him. Or at least he assumed it was for him, due to it was addressed to Clinic Patient.

_Dear Clinic Patient_,

_You are probably baffled by this letter and are probably wondering why I am not here to examine you. Well to be frank, I don't have the time, nor do I care all that much. Right now I'm saving a patients life and I can't be bothered to treat your miniscule illness. So here I will treat your symptoms via this letter. If you wish to be treated immediately continue to read the first bullet and follow instructions from there. If not may I suggest seeking Doctor Cuddy or Doctor Wilson? I can honestly say they would be delighted to help a patient such as yourself. _

The Clinic patient scratched the back of his head and debated whether or not he should continue reading.

_-Do you have the following symptoms: red rashes, dry mouth, watery eyes, constant sneezing? _

The patient shook his head as read through the list.

_If none of these symptoms apply to you, skip this section and continue to the next bullet. _

So the patient did so.

_-Do you have the following symptoms: fatigue, stuffy nose, sore throat, a headache perhaps? _

The patient nodded his head to each symptom.

_If none of these symptoms apply to you, skip this section and continue to the next bullet. If so, seek treatment B on the back page._

The patient turned the page over and read the treatment.

_Treatment B: Congratulations moron! You have a cold. And your prize is that there's nothing you can do! Instead of coming here and wasting my time writing this letter you should have stayed at home where you belong! Advice for next time: Go to WebMD dot com. It's moron friendly for people such as---_

But the patient didn't read the rest of the letter. Instead he crumpled it up and threw it away, leaving disgruntled.

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_Well I'm not overly happy with the way this came out. I promise the next will be better. Anyway I wrote a crossover clinic case between this and Doctor Who and I'm debating whether to post it or not. I know a lot of Americans don't watch so I just want to know whether I should post it or make it a sepearte one shot? Feedback would be appreciated. _


	7. Monster Shot

_A/N: Not my best, but I thought it would be a smile worthy idea. I'm doing a double update today, the next chap is my crossover. So if you wish mosey on over after you read this. _

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**Monster Shot**

Vicki sat patiently waiting for Doctor House to arrive. She glanced at her watch and realized she had been waiting nearly thirty-five minutes.

"_Thirty-five minutes for a thirty-five second flu shot. Of course." _She thought.

Suddenly the door opened all the way, and instead of seeing House, a small TV set was being rolled in. Soon House followed, leading an extension chord from the clinic. Her mouth was gaping. She could honestly say she had never encountered something as unusual as this.

"What are you doing?" She said.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" He said pulling out the rolling chair.

"It looks like your about to watch TV."

"No. It looks like I _am going _to watch TV." He said pressing the power button on the remote. The volume was up and Vicki could barely hear herself think. "So what's wrong with you?!"

"You have got to be kidding me!"

"Can't hear you! Speak up!"

"I said -"

"Could you keep it down? I can't hear what they're saying!"

"But you just said!"

"Only during commercials, now pipe down!"

For ten minutes Vicki watched House watching monster trucks roll over the smaller cars. She couldn't see why anybody would be entertained by this, yet somehow she realized maybe House would.

Suddenly the door opened and Doctor James Wilson walked in.

"Oh thank God." Vicki said.

"Sorry I'm late, I thought you said room 3?" Wilson asked.

"I lied." House replied.

"Oh. So what did I miss?"

"Not much, just this wicked sick flip! But don't expect to hear much; that one keeps complaining."

"I just want my flu shot!" She said exasperated.

House rolled his eyes and grabbed the vaccine. With a quick jab she was done and left in a huff.


	8. Doctor, Doctor

**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who. Depending on what RTD decides to do next season, I may just consider buying it. Is there a number I can call?**

_A/N: Yep, here it is. I suppose this is takes place somewhere in Season Three for DW. Enjoy!_

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**Doctor, Doctor**

House walked into clinic room number one dreading the next case. Really he could be saving lives at this point, but no. Cuddy thinks they can wait. He looked up to see a rather tall, lanky man swinging his feet back and forth. The man looked up and greeted House with a manic grin.

"Hello! Are you Doctor House?" the man asked with an English accent.

"No I'm Doctor Cuddy. If you have any complaints with my methods sue me. It's C-U-D-D-Y." House remarked.

"Nice try. Just met her not too long ago. Lovely woman really. Warned me about you though. Told me not to believe a word you say about anything." The man rambled

House slapped his hand to his cheek, "She did not!"

"Oh yeah. Can't imagine why though. I'm the Doctor by the way."

"I think you've got it backwards, I'm the Doctor, you're the patient. Now should I prescribe you placebos or the real stuff? I heard it doesn't matter, it's all in your mind anyway."

"No, no, no, I'm the Doctor. That's what I go by." The Doctor explained.

"Right. What seems to be the trouble Doctor?" House asked putting emphasis on the word, doctor.

"Oh, no. No trouble here."

"What?"

"You see my friend, Martha, wants to be a doctor. Says you're brilliant, best of the best. She wanted to meet you, so we just moseyed on over looking for you. And now I've found you and she'll be thrilled I'm sure."

"So, nothing is wrong." House confirmed slightly annoyed.

The Doctor stuck out his little finger, "Well actually I have a hangnail, would you mind?"


	9. It's Not What You Think

_A/N: So I got this idea from an old House fic of mine, which I totally plan to rewrite...someday..._

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**It's Not What You Think**

House began glancing over the next case file whilst walking into clinic room number one. Waiting was a boy about seventeen, scratching his skin absently. He appeared to be more focused on the dust particles then hir repulsive rash.

"Float on little dudes!" He said. "Keep on floating. Oh hey man."

"Hey," House said pulling out his chair. He visibly grimaced at the boys rash and went straight to the point, "When did that appear?"

"When what?" The kid asked

"That itchy thing on your skin."

"Um, uh, Monday." He said in a hazy voice

"Today's Monday."

"Oh, ha, wow, so it is. Epic!"

He could tell right off the kid had been smoking something, but what he couldn't guess. Well okay, he had a few guesses. "When's the last time you went to a pizza shop?"

"What, I don't go to pizza, oh um a couple days ago I think. Yup 'cause that was the night of the big party." He replied grinning, obviously because of good times.

"Your rash is from an allergic reaction to oregano. Did you handle any herbs at all?" He asked, although he probably couldn't tell the difference between pot, and herbs.

"Just some pot in a bag." he replied still following the dust particles.

"I'm sorry to tell you, but pot wasn't in that bag."


	10. A Mime of a Time

_A/N: Just this random idea I thought of. Sorry about the wait, reality is such a bummer sometimes. Your reviews have been great so I just want to thank all those who have. They make me smile :) Anyway enjoy!!_

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A Mime of a Time**

House sat in the rolling chair with his chin on his cane. Across from him, his new clinic patient did the same. House shifted his cane to his side, and so did his client. Well, sort of.

"Would you stop that?" House said to his patient.

The mime said nothing, as House expected. Instead he scratched his head and rested his air cane on his chin.

"How do you expect me to treat you, if you won't tell me what's wrong with you?" House exasperated.

The mime mimicked House's frustration and began to dramatize a sob.

"I was not crying!" House said. "Oh you were crying. Why!"

The mime stood from the table. He began to walk in place. Then he tripped and fell to his knees.

"You were skipping and you tripped." House concluded

The mime shook his head and reenacted his steps.

"I get you were skipping, what I don't understand how you tripped while skipping."

The mime shook his head harder and began to walk in pace harder.

"Tripping, while skipping. Not very manly huh? Then again I am talking to a guy who wears more makeup then my mother."

Finally the mime exploded. "Oh you ignorant fool! I was walking and I twisted my ankle!" Instantly the mime slapped his hand over his mouth.

House avoided the mimes horrified look and did his best not to laugh, "Well why did you just say so?"


	11. Not Dressed for Success

_A/N: Now I don't say this too often, but, I would love to see this little idea I cooked up played out on the show. Unless it already has. In that case would someone please point me in the general direction of that episode? _

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**Not Dressed for Success**

It had been another ordinary day at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Which, unfortunately for House meant hours of mundane clinic duty. He pushed the door to clinic room one open to see a patient in a red printed dress.

"Um," He began, "What seems to be the trouble?"

"So I had been walking on my way to work when I slipped off the sidewalk. I mean it had rained the night before, which is probably why I did. I mean, I don't make it a habit of falling off sidewalks." The patient explained to House.

"Dude, you're in a dress." House exclaimed finally.

"Um yeah, I know. The heel of this shoe got caught in one of those sewer drains when I slipped." He said sheepishly tugging at his thick dress strap.

"You were walking down the street, in a dress, in public." House clarified, more for his amusement then for the facts.

"Yeah I'd rather not talk about it."

"Did you lose a bet?"

"Yeah, kind of. And my roommates hid all my clothes so I couldn't back out of it."

House finished bandaging the patient's ankle and replied, "That sucks."

The patient got to his feet and took wobbly steps in his three inch stiletto heels.

"Oh and by the way," and in the most flamboyant voice House said, "Red is so not your color!"


	12. The Rhinovirus

_A/N: Another bit of randomness brought to you by me. Just to be clear I don't own House MD or anything related to it. Reviews are love so leave me some :)_

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The Rhinovirus**

The clinic waiting room was packed. Never in his life had he seen so many sniveling, wheezing, and down right sick people. It would take him forever to go through each and everyone just to diagnose they had a cold. Then the wheels began to turn inside his mind, and then an idea formed.

"Hello sick people." He addressed to those in the clinic. "I'm Doctor House and here's what I need everyone to do. If you have the following symptoms please stand up. If you have a headache, chills, runny nose, sore throat, and a possible cough, please stand up."

About six or seven people stood up warily. "Okay, follow me." They shuffled along into the clinic room where he slammed the door with his cane.

"Alright now that we know what the trouble is, I'm going to tell you what's wrong."

"Is this sanitary?" A patient asked.

"Probably not." He said simply. "Any other obvious questions?" No one said anything. "Good. Now here is the bad news. You all have the Rhinovirus."

"The Rhinovirus?" A patient quivered.

House nodded his head solemnly. "And more bad news, you can't treat it."

The patients said nothing.

"Now you know what I see? I see six morons. You know why I see six morons?"

"Because we came to see you." A patient piped.

"Oh so close, but no. I see six morons who couldn't diagnose themselves as having a _cold_."

"A cold?" They said in unison.

"Yes. A cold. Now get out and go home." House said opening the door.

The patients left grumbling and sniffling. House stood in the door way and called for the patients with the next set of symptoms.

"Okay next!"


	13. Lost in Sight

**Disclaimer: Once again, don't own House. In fact, I don't even own this idea really.**

_A/N: In honor of the season premire of Lost I decided to take an idea of theirs and House-afy it. Tell me if you know where in Lost it's from. And to all those lurkers out there: Hey how are ya? Why haven't you told me how amazing or how terrible my stories are? Love to hear from you :). And to my amazing reviewers, you guys just rock! Plain and simple. Anyway enjoy this one! Oh hey, lucky 13._

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**Lost in Sight**

"I've been getting these really bad headaches lately. I thought it was just work and stress, but they won't go away." The patient said as House pulled up his rolling chair to the patient. He peered into the depths of his eyes with a small light. And as if his own light went on, House figured out the root of the man's woes.

"_That was too easy."_ He thought _"Might as well kill some time…"_

"So Jim,"

"Jeff." The patient corrected.

"Right, are these headaches recent?" House asked searching through the drawers in no particular hurry.

"Um, no, not really."

"Been sick recently?"

"No."

"Are you sexually active?"

"What? Well yes, but,"

"Ever had an STD?"

"Is that relevant?"

"Are you the Doctor?" The patient shook his head. "Exactly."

The Patient sighed. "Yes."

"History of cancer?"

"My cousin had a brain tumor. Why? Could I have a tumor?" House didn't say anything at first, "Oh my God, I have a brain tumor!"

"What type of tumor?"

"The kind that kills you!"

House handed Jeff a slip of paper and watched as Jeff's expression went from completely horrified to utterly enraged. "Ophthalmologist! What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, you need glasses." House replied simply.

"You led me to believe I had a tumor!"

"No, you led yourself to believe you had a tumor. I just didn't stop the progression of your beliefs, First Amendment in all."

"Then let me exercise that right now: you're an ass!"

The patient stormed out of the clinic room and House called after him, "You may be surprised to know this, but that's not the first time I've heard that.


	14. Ode to Clinic Patient

_A/N: I got really inspired and I wrote this silly little poem. I tried to keep the meter between 6 and 8, and I'll admit it's a bit off, but regardless. I hope this brings a smile to your face because it brought a smile to mine writing it. _

**

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Ode to Clinic Patient**

Mr. / Mrs. Clinic Patient,  
Sorry, but this is true.  
I'm way too busy saving lives  
To come down and treat you.

Mr. / Mrs. Clinic Patient  
Do you think I have the time?  
To come and treat your simple woes,  
When I can write this rhyme.

Now if you have the sniffles,  
Some tissues you had fold,  
A runny nose perhaps a cough,  
You moron you've got a cold!

Now if its pain that you do feel,  
Then I think I have a guess.  
You probably did something stupid,  
Like hit your head getting dressed.

Go home and take some Advil,  
It will make you feel rather swell.  
I bet you're cursing at me now,  
Don't tell me go to hell!

And if these symptoms don't apply,  
Then here's what you should do:  
Go find Doctor Cuddy,  
She'd be happy to help you!

Mr. / Mrs. Clinic Patient  
Go home to your kids and spouse.  
Try and feel better soon,  
Sincerely, Doctor House


	15. More Dress, Less Success

_AN: I just want to thank everyone who reviewed the poem, they made me feel all warm and fuzzzy. But how can I top that? So while I wait for inspiration I thought I'd write out this sequel to **Not Dressed for Success**. Oh and_ DTGC,_ I have an idea in mind, but I have to do more research on youtube first._

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**More Dress, Less Success**

It wasn't all too often Doctor Gregory House found himself within the vicinity of a former clinic patient. They tended to stay away after their first encounter. And to be honest House liked it that way. He never had to witness the same idiocy again. But today he was a bit surprised to see a familiar face sitting on the examination table.

"Let me guess, you lost the bet _again_." House remarked seeing the man in the dress.

"Look it's not like that." The patient explained.

"I am beginning to think that you actually like losing. Is it the breeze between the knees that makes it irresistible?"

"I told you it's not like that this time!" he said propping his leg up on the bed.

House cocked his head to the side to get a better look at his swollen ankle, "You're right, you broke your ankle this time."

"No, my girlfriend, she thinks it's hot." The patient stated simply.

"So I take it that means you like to be on the bottom too?"

"Shut up man! Have you ever walked in a dress?"

Ignoring him House continued, "Well I do have to commend you on your color choice this time. This lovely shade of green really brings out your eyes." The patient glared and still House continued, "But you really do make an ugly woman."

"I suppose that should make me feel better." The patient said hobbling off the bed.

"You wore flats this time! I see we have learned some lesson. I recommend a skirt next time!"


	16. It's Magic

_AN: Erm, right, sorry about the whole lack-of-updates-thing. I have a million and one excuses, but I'll save them for a later day. Anyway, this idea was a bit better in my head, but I hope it makes you smile none the less. _**

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**It's Magic**

"HI DOCTOR HOUSE!" The patient yelled, "I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY EAR, BUT I CAN'T GET IT OUT!"

"What would ever make you think that?" House grumbled as he hobbled his way over to the examining table.

"DID YOU SAY SOMETHING DOCTOR HOUSE!"

"Oh nothing, just that you are dying of a rare form of ear cancer, which is why you are hard of hearing."

"WHAT?"

"Nothing!" House mouthed in the most exaggerated way. The patient smiled and nodded her head while House proceeded with the examiation.

"I see we have Penn Jillete junior over here." He said nodding to the little boy in a magic cape and hat.

"OH THAT'S MY SON!" the patient said, "HE WANT'S TO BE A MAGICIAN WHEN HE GETS OLDER."

The young boy began to spin his wand over his small black top hat, and reach fruitlessly into it, waiting for something to come out.

"Don't quit your day job." House said peering into the patient's ear. That's when he saw some brightly colored object lodged within her ear canal. The wheels began to turn inside his head, and he realized what had really happened.

"Nothing in this hand." He told the patient, who wore a look of confusion, "Nothing in this one." House took his tweezers and reached into the patient's ear and pulled out a bright green M&M.

"Watch out for next time. He might try and use a quarter. Or worse, and maybe somewhat more original, a peanut M&M."


	17. To Sleep or Not

_An: Ahh okay, very, very sorry about the lack of updates! I just haven't been inspired. But I thought of this little crossover. If you don't watch Torchwood, not to worry, you don't need to. Just know Captain Jack loves to flirt and loves innuendos. And for those of you who do watch, I have no idea why Jack would be in New Jersey, but for the sake of the fic he is. Anyway very, very sorry once again. _

**To Sleep or Not**

It had been a fairly unusual day at Princeton Plainsboro thus far. For once people weren't dying of mysterious cause, which to House's chagrin meant he was stuck with the terrible, dreaded, brain cell murderer: Clinic Duty.

He walked in abruptly and tossed the file on the counter. "Hello, I'm Doctor House." He said with a bored tone.

"Captain Jack Harkness." The patient replied cheerfully.

"Captain of what?" House asked, noting the military coat.

"Oh many different areas. Depends on what position I'm in." He had a mischievous smile and House didn't like it at all.

"Well then, what seems to be the trouble?" House asked narrowing his eyes at this captain.

"I seem to be having trouble sleeping at night." Jack replied.

"You don't seem to be a man who sleeps very much." House remarked at his last innuendo.

"Not if I can help it." Jack quipped. Oh he was good, House thought, let's make it awkward.

"One second, let me get Doctor Chase. He's a specialist in this area." House said. Jack quirked an eyebrow and House added, "Sleeping I mean. He can give you a proper diagnosis."

House poked his head out the door and saw the Aussie doctor making the rounds. "Hey Chase! Chase I need you!"

Chase narrowed his eyes and walked over to clinic room number one. "Yes."

"Uh, I have a patient, and I need a second opinion." House lied right through his teeth.

"_You_ need a _second_ opinion." Chase asked suspiciously.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go." House pulled Chase in and Jack eyes widened considerably.

"Captain Jack Harkness, this is Doctor Chase. Chase, the captain here is having trouble sleeping, what do you make of it?" House asked.

"Um, well, do you take naps during the day?" Chase asked still suspicious of House.

"Sometimes." Jack replied, "Depends on the afternoon activity."

"Is it the same activity everyday?" Chase continued.

"I like to mix it up a bit." Jack winked. If House had a camera he would have taken a picture of Chase's face in that moment.

"Is it, um, rigorous activity?" Chase asked and he regretted immediately.

"I like it rough." Jack said with that mischievous grin.

"Okay, here's your prescription. Uh, take some time off from whatever it is you do and you should be able to sleep." Chase said, his voice raising an octave. He rushed out the door and House grinned in satisfaction.

"You know Captain, have you met Doctor Cuddy?" House asked.

"The woman with the nice back?" Jack asked. "And front." He added.

"Yeah, actually she might enjoy it too much. How about Doctor Wilson? He's desperate!"


	18. Water Weight

_Finally an update! Inspired by the Christmas episode if only slightly. Enjoy!_**

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**Water Weight**

"Congratulation, you're pregnant." House said with little enthusiasm. It had been an uneventful day at the hospital, and sadly, if he actually cared of course, this was the most exciting news he had heard all day.

"No I'm not." The young woman said firmly. "I can't, it's not a good time."

"What?"

"Just tell me I'm not pregnant, I'll leave and we can forget that this ever happened."

"Okay." House complied, "You're not pregnant. And nine months from now, when you're still trying to convince your friends and family that the twenty pounds you put on is 'just a little bit of water weight,' don't say I didn't tell you so."

"I'm not pregnant!" She exclaimed.

"You can keep telling yourself that. Just like you keep telling yourself that your butt doesn't look big in those pants, when really it does. But that's okay, most guys like a little, 'junk in the trunk.' This is probably how you got pregnant."

"I'm not! It's just…"

"A little water weight?"


End file.
